Let’s start this edition of 15MM with a playing of the newest game sensation sweeping the Americas, called ‘What In The Hell Is That Escort Thinking?’ It’s gotten so popular that Parker Brothers has optioned it and frankly, I think it’ll be bigger than hula-hoops and Monopoly combined.
Imagine, for a moment- You’re just a regular Joe and you want to make a living. You’ve also created more debt for yourself than the Obama administration (school, living expenses, hair product, cocaine) . What’s a girl to do? … Well, if you’re in-shape, somewhat intelligent and can add in a little dash of sex appeal, you may just be on your way to an exciting career in male escorting, or cable television installation. Y’know, there’s a huge market out there for a sexy Time Warner tech. Hell, I’d gladly wait out that 4 hour window they give you if I knew the guy showing up looked like a young Mark Wahlberg.
I’d only wait about 45 minutes if they sent this current version. I’d be afraid in his older state he’d get stuck trying to get in or out of my attic while running coax cable.
So, anyway, 60% of the time, all of the time, I’m amazed at what people find ‘sexy’ when it comes to escorts and general advertising tactics in the industry. One man’s trash, indeed. Browsing the listings on sites like M4RN, RentBoy and RentMen prove more than a few things to me:
*When times get tough in the job market, there’s definitely an influx of young guys looking to make a quick buck. Unfortunately, most of them fall into either the Mama Cass or Karen Carpenter category. Note to the kids: Just being young and thin isn’t enough.
*The blatant molestation of Photoshop is becoming a pandemic. If you cannot convincingly color-match your face to your neck then you have no business spending $600 on the software suite. Instead, take that money and use it on Fraxel, collagen or, if that’s all too invasive, find a geek on ModelMayhem to do proper photo retouching for you.
*Don’t nickname yourself anything you’re not capable of always living up to. There are more misgiven nicknames in gay escorting than in country music.
*If you cannot keep your schedule straight, return calls & emails in a personal manner and feel the need to hire out an assistant to get the job done, then perhaps you’ve got some career rethinking to do. Why in the world would I want to correspond with a secretary when it’s YOU I’m wanting and paying for? There’s a difference between just being busy and truly being a success… Those who are successful find the right work equilibrium to balance their lives out. Escorts who cannot find that middle-ground are those who run white hot and eventually burn out. Sooner or later, bad people skills catch up with you (in any industry).
*Please, for the love of God and all decent English professors, copy edit ads before posting them online. I’m aware that escorting doesn’t exactly take a doctorate, but the sheer amount of ALL CAPS text, unnecessary punctuation, the misuse of words and overall lack in cadence is enough to make me go back to watching GLEE. Seriously, there are so many utterly wrong usages of ellipsis in these ads that somewhere, quietly, David Mamet is planning revenge.
*This one is pretty simple: If you’re going to post a cell-cam shot, make sure you look damned good in it. Abs, ass, chest, legs, whatever… No one is born with a perfect body, but we’re all capable of hard work and results. And on the subject of looks, do be careful on how much sun exposure you get kids. There’s a fine line between occasionally getting a little color and ending up going full-on Donatella (which so many escorts seem to do).
*Know thy look. This may be the biggest self-promotional downfall I see with escorts, many of them not having a clue as to who they’re catering to or what image works best for them. Speaking strictly from a business viewpoint, how do you intend on taking the product (you), packaging it, promoting it and carefully allowing it to change/progress when the time is right? That’s a tricky thing when comes to keeping the people you see happy, all while trying to attract new, continually diverse clientele. You can’t just go from singing on the balcony of Casa Rosada, blowing kisses to your Peronistas to getting fisted in a leather sling for a Treasure Island DVD release… It just doesn’t work that way (unless you’re Paul Lynde, but I digress).
*Be honest. This is something I’d recommend in life, but in the immediate, be up front with your clients about your STD status and your willingness (or not) to engage in things like bareback sex. My personal opinion? It’s your job to not only keep yourself healthy, but to protect those you spend time with. I know of at least four popular escorts working today who are quietly HIV+ and don’t tell a soul they see about it. I would consider it ‘professional obligation’ to disclose that and I have no respect for those who think otherwise. Having ‘safe’ sex with someone who’s positive carries a much greater risk than with someone who’s negative: Condoms break, slip, etc. You can argue about not wanting to ‘discriminate’ against people who are positive, but let’s be honest here- It’s a disease that’s not anywhere near manageable, continues to shorten lives, is expensive to maintain and no one would willingly put themselves in front of that Mac truck. Call me an asshole, but I like living a healthy life and do everything I can to keep it that way.
Traveling this summer has been hot and heavy, with the last few weeks seeing me in Key West, Manhattan, Las Vegas and New Orleans. I’ve been doing the best I can while away from my home gym in keeping up with my body and progression. That’s probably the toughest thing to deal with (other than flight delays), but having five different gym memberships help that. Between them all, I can always always find a gym that’s open for business. In prep to put on additional lean muscle, I’ve been upping my weight and lowering my reps. 8-10 an exercise, 3 sets. The bane of my existence is getting enough protein (need 195+ grams daily) and having the time to continually eat small meals to keep my metabolism as high as possible. However, I never wanted to become one of those guys who was so body-centric that his whole life revolved around the gym and gym culture. I really do find that boring as fuck. The gym is just my job. I go in, I put my headphones on and I get it done. No socializing, no endless flexing in the mirror.
Well, maybe a little flexing, but just in Key West. After all, it’s the only gym I work out at that allows me to basically wear as little as I want… And I take full advantage of that.
As per the photoblog, I’ve been doing weekly treatments in a red light therapy bed, hoping to trick my still-youthful collagen production into somehow staying that way. Along with sleeping in a large Tupperware container at night, I think the red light is doing me some good and is, at the very least, affording me a wonderful placebo effect I haven’t fully experienced since using my mom’s ThighMaster, circa 1994. While it didn’t tone and shape my buttocks as I had hoped, it did strangely turn me on with the repetitive squeezing motion. I’ve got a few more weeks of these LED treatments before I see any real changes, but I’m already noticing my skin is really super smooth. For more info on how this thing works, click HERE, but for now I remain happy with this temporary solution to keeping my skin in great shape and avoiding UV rays.
What’s really interesting is that I finally got around to doing research on the long term effects of spray tan solution on skin and lung function. Not good news. Read em’ and weep. Looks like I won’t be headed back to MysticTan anytime soon. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing considering how these two look above. They’re the love-children of Al Jolson! All these guys need are top hats and jazz hands.
Before I wrap things up, a little news on the BN.com front. Yes, after what appear to be decades, it’s finally being redone, revamped and updated to not only format on the web, but for all mobile devices as well. For now, I’m shrouding the design in a bit of mystery, but rest assure that this total overhaul will likely, again, be a trendsetter- just as the original BenjaminNicholas.com was. From what my design team is telling me, it’s going to embody a lot of new tech elements while bringing all of my web presences into one cohesive, easy to navigate site. What’s best is that this new format will allow me to more easily update the site which in turn keep content fresh and current/potential clients happy. It’s a win-win.
I’ll post some screenshots when they come across my desk. For now, I wish everyone a safe and enjoyable holiday weekend.